How I’m Doing.

If I say all of this out loud, I’ll get interrupted, so I’m typing it.

Every night I get into bed, and I think. I think until my brain has to shut down and I drift off. I’m actually not sleeping at the moment, so I think for a long time.

I retrace steps; I go over conversations in my head; I think about how I said something; what I was doing with my hands; what expression my face was pulling. I try and find it; I try to pinpoint the moment; I try and figure out what I did wrong because I don’t want to do it again. But I can’t find it, so for hours I lay in bed, and I blame myself.

This is my way of telling you all that things aren’t good, and I can’t get away with blaming the winter or work stress anymore. I’m not doing good. I’ve not been doing good for a while.

It doesn’t matter how many hours of therapy I sit through; the meds I take; the affirmations I read; telling myself that I just need to love myself and be gentle with myself; it doesn’t matter if I force myself into a routine of wellness. Eating to be well, sleeping to be well, drinking water and taking meds and going outside for fresh air to be well. It doesn’t matter how many strangers I fuck or how much I drink or anything like that. I still go to bed, I think, I retrace. And I blame myself.

I’ve wanted to say this for a while, but I hate the looks. That head tilt and the awkward smile people give me out of muscle memory. I hate explaining myself and hearing “you know that’s not true”. I hate seeing the disappointment in people when their favourite strong girl is vulnerable. I hate that this is what most of you know me for, the sad girl. I hate being treated like a delicate and fragile and damaged child who you have to wisper around and be careful what you say. But at the same time I hate being the “strong girl”, I hate that the first sentence people say about me is that I’ve been through a lot, and that being a celebration. Like my entire identity is that bad people have done bad things to me. I hate the “how are you” I always get asked which is definitely not the same as a normal “how are you”.

I’m not good at ending these things, so I’m sorry. I’m just so tired, and I just want to sleep.